From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend, everyone.

I suppose I could have taken down Dr. Crankpot’s post from last week, but I’m leaving it up. I think it puts Crankpot’s deficiencies as a leader on display. He’s certainly technically competent, but he hardly shows the temperament of a leader of men, women, robots, and tendril creatures that live in our plumbing.

Shenanigans from the previously deceased former leaders of Technefarious aside, it’s time we implemented another project. Project Bucket Run will consist of two operations performed by Extraction Team C with Extraction Teams A and B serving as backup. Our goal is to steal the Bucket of Pure Water.

The bucket was an ancient attempt to develop a Philosopher Stone. Unlike a proper Philosopher Stone, it cannot create an elixir that extends the drinker’s life. Instead, any liquid poured into the bucket, no matter how foul, will turn into purified (i.e. distilled) water. Not the most earth-shattering power in the world, but it is uniquely suited to fit several of our ongoing needs. Distilled water is used extensively by the science department for chemistry and the occult department for alchemy. Those two departments also produce an impressive amount of hazardous waste that I would prefer to not just leave lying around. No sense in conquering the world if it is a giant dumpsite. Finally, we have at least one world-conquering project that involves an exceptional amount of distilled water, so having the Bucket of Pure Water would be useful that, too.

The bucket also turns lead into gold like a Philosopher Stone, but at a rate of one nugget a month, it’s easier to dig if you want gold that badly.

And yes, a Philosopher Stone does sound like it has the powers of a certain stone of sorcery. That would be because that’s what it actually was. It was rebranded in the American market, because philosopher didn’t sound actiony enough for the bloody Yanks.

There was a decent turnaround on our package exchange with the Golden Web this time. They just sent us a simple external hard drive with some sort of encrypted data on it. The computer department is trying to figure out exactly what is in there.

There was a decent turnaround on our package exchange with the Golden Web this time. They just sent us a simple external hard drive with some sort of encrypted data on it. The computer department is trying to figure out exactly what is in there.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway
The Killing Man