Primate Typings

Dictctor desk

Typng withh nose

No fingrs or tongue rght now

Green neeedle regrwng them but short posst for tody

Hurt savng fusion manns liife

Then he savd mine

He sayss merry xmass

Mor laate

Pho

The gonna killl aliens man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

As some of you may have already noticed, I’m not in my office today. This is not because I took an unscheduled vacation or a sick day. No, it’s because I was kidnapped by aliens. Oh sure, it happens to all of us. White light, strapped down, probe up the butt, but usually you wake up in your own bed in the morning.

Hang on one moment.

Green Needle tells me that doesn’t happen all that much, although she says she’s willing to help with my butt probe on this trip. I told her we would discuss that later, after we’ve settled the immediate issues at hand.

For example, as the leader of Technefarious, I’m going to order that our department heads assign some resources to find out where the heck I am. While Green Needle arranged to have me kidnapped with all with all my equipment, I don’t actually carry anything that lets me know where I am when I’m not on Earth. The split-photon signal we use in communicators is generally not blockable by technology means, so I’m reasonably confident this memo is going to be posted. I’m also told split-photons are not traceable, which means the science department won’t be able to just track my signal. I’m not sure we’re still in Earth orbit, so the occult department may have a tough time reaching me too. Get to work, people.

Hang on one moment.

Green Needle says I should have said, “where the hell I am” in the last paragraph, because I’m a supervillain. She also says my communicator looks suspiciously like a cell phone. I’m going to ignore her now.

I’m putting Frigid in charge while I’m gone. If you don’t like it, take it up with the Elite Triad. Remember everyone, if I don’t agree with any coups you carry out against my appointed replacement while I’m gone, I’ll kill you.

Sounds like the aliens are coming back now, so I’m going to hit post.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – well, just yours right now, I guess. Keep it safe for me.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway  

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator: 

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

Well, that was plan 1,782 for world domination into the recycling bin. Most of them never make it out of the planning stages, but this one actually looked like it might succeed for a few days.

Our initial plan (with the full title of PROJECT JELLY DOUGHNUT: GIANT EARTHQUAKES FROM SATTELITE BASED EARTHQUAKE MACHINES) worked well. All the resources were assembled with minimum losses on our part. The equipment built worked within expectations. Things did not fall apart until the implementation of the last part of the project, Operation Flat Pancake. The initial developments went well: the world knew we were demanding their capitulation, the earthquake machines worked well, and the Establishment was off balance. Delivering our message to the entire world at once undermined the public’s confidence in their governments, making the world’s nations more susceptible to our threats. The earthquake machines could focus sharply enough to target conventional military equipment. We proved that by picking off of several fighter jets in mid-flight while we were roughing up the armed forces of the more belligerent nations. Which just left the various unconventional forces of the Earth.

Considering how many millions of superpowered people we have on our planet, it’s surprising how few offensive superpowered units are part of any of the world’s standing armies. I suppose that’s partially influenced by superhero traditions that sprang up over the course of the last century, then reinforced by treaties worked out by the victors of World War II to set limits on the escalation of warfare fueled by superpowers. I know the Iron 56 incident in Germany near the end of the war scared both the U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. pretty badly. Even now, Earth acts as the home to at least fifteen beings that could destroy galaxies or entire universes. The idea of setting their patriotic planet killers against each other gave the world leaders pause, and the resulting treaties are thought to have prepped the ground for later treaties about nuclear weapons and other WMD’s. 

The Establishment, of course, doesn’t belong to any nation. Its Board of Directors is drawn from the global superhero population, theoretically making in neutral in international politics. This gives it the strength to coordinate the superpowered population for the Earth’s regular repulsion of extra-dimensional and extra-terrestrial attacks. By the same token, the Establishment rarely interferes with anyone’s domestic or international politics. So if we can ever convince the nations of the world to surrender, the Establishment is less likely to continue the fight. At the very least, it would shrink the pool of resources its leadership can draw from.

Of course, first you have to convince the nations of the world that the Establishment can’t come to their rescue. So they found our satellites pretty early in the first day but had trouble doing anything about them. Technefarious has decades of data about superpowers from which we developed defenses for the satellites to hold off the Establishment. According to our models, each could stand up to ten thousand years of attack. We actually hoped they would stand up to an average of about eight hours of abuse, because ours is a weird world, and there’s always some new power source popping up. Of course, we had three warehouses full of replacement satellites that we could teleport into orbit whenever one got destroyed. They kept the Establishment busy. So busy that it really unnerved the national governments that the Establishment could not just stop the earthquakes. Unfortunately, the Establishment could have kept popping our earthquake machines pretty much indefinitely, and their own bases are turned out to be mostly immune to the satellites. Our intelligence department chalks that up to all the oddball powers the Establishment has access to, so we had to take to fight directly to their leadership.

This is where things fell apart. Dealing with the Suit and his elite Executives is never easy, but it had to be done. While our assault teams conducted distraction attacks against the Establishment’s regular forces, I lead a direct assault against the Executives. I can’t give you a firsthand account of most of the fight. I targeted Suit himself, naturally enough. On paper, the man should only be a second tier hero, but his decades of experience leading the Establishment make him too dangerous to leave breathing. He used those decades of experience to take me off the board. I spend most of the battle trapped in a “dead room,” where Technefarious’s remote equipment could not reach me. I could have gotten out of that easily enough, but the Suit had dug up a guy called Grimmed.

I can kill anything. It’s my most notable superpower. What I can’t guarantee is that my victim will stay dead. Grimmed died a lot over the next few hours but was back and intact with seconds. When I tried to leave him just maimed, the little bastard killed himself. If Bleach had not eventually convinced Green Needle to have the Chlorophyll Cabal join our assault, I’m not entirely sure when I would have gotten out of there. Green Needle eventually tracked me down, and she solved my problem by hitting Grimmed with a paralyzing need, followed up with another shot that put him to sleep.

Despite my personal problems, we actually made a good accounting of ourselves. Technefarious left three Executives dead (although I’m sure they’ll be back among the living soon) and completely trashed their base. Unfortunately, by then it was a moot point.

The Executive Gearhead had managed to break away early in the fight to continue his research on the beams our satellites were emitting. While the Establishment’s base collapsed around him, he managed to develop a counter-field and deploy it. Within seconds of turning it on, our satellites became useless. The Establishment still hasn’t found everything we put in orbit, but with the heroes’ new ability to stop our earthquake machines with a flick of a switch, we’re going to have to file Project Jelly Doughnut in the failed plot drawer. 

Oddly enough, we suffered no deaths this week. Our base was never compromised, so the soul catchers and cloning equipment never went offline. I think this is the first time we’ve ever run the final operation of a project and none of our people died. It feels strange.

In any event, this memo is running long, so check the bulletin boards for this week’s events.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just outfought us this time.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

The final stage of Project Jelly Doughnut, Operation Flat Pancake, is underway and going well so far! We started our morning by broadcasting our demand for the world governments to surrender their authority to us. Congratulations to our I.T. department for breaking into most major broadcast signals, cable networks, and web pages across the world. Only five percent of villain ultimatums get out to the public anymore. Most don’t make it past the communications infrastructure built up by the superhero community over the decades, ending up in the broadcast equivalent of a spam catcher. It gets watched. It’s just that only the superheroes, governments, and media see it live. Creating an impression upon the larger population is also one of the aims of these broadcasts, so getting through to the entire world is worthy of praise – and cash money. Expect bonuses in your next paycheck I.T. department.

Having delivered our terms (Dictatorship of the world for me, executive branch fiefdoms and money for interested Technefarious staff, parliamentary style world government to do the day to day governing because I plan to be a lazy but arbitrary dictator), we began with a show of force. Japan and western American have that nice earthquake resistant infrastructure, so we spend an hour testing our earthquake satellites by shaking them up, moving the center of the quake around and making them run far too long to prove that they had to be something other than natural. We followed up with targeted strikes on various military bases, giving them enough time to do some evacuating but cranking up the intensity before they had a chance to remove too much equipment from the sites. Enemy casualties have been light so far, but we are still trying to threaten them into submission rather than brutalizing them into it.

Unfortunately, we suffered our first casualty a little while ago. Henchman 43Q-F7 (Richard) died while fixing a broken fuse on one of our satellites. Our teleportation technology is discreet but not as undetectable as the cloaks we put on our satellites. Teleporting a small, space-suited person is harder to trace than a big clunky satellite, so we sent him out when it started having problems. Unfortunately, down on Earth, other events interfered with his repair. Gold Bug was taking advantage of the mess we are making to do some easy bank robbing. However, he ran into the Poker Hand while he was out. Due to an improbable series of events involving a hot dog cart, seven cheerleaders, and Gold Bugs oil expulsion spit attack, Wild Card slammed into Royal Flush while she was aiming an energy blast at the bank robber.  The unexpected impact caused Royal Flush to boost the energy level of her discharge and altered the angle so it shot up into the sky, hitting our satellite. For those unfamiliar with the Poker Hand, Wild Card’s power is unconscious probability manipulation, better known as luck: random, good for her, and bad for her enemies. In and of itself, the explosion would have just killed Henchman 43Q-F7. However, the satellite’s weird combination of magic and tech disrupted his connection to the soul catchers, so they were unable to gather him in as his soul left his body. The satellites have cloaks, but their explosions don’t, so now the Establishment knows where to look for our Earthquake machines. So Gold bug goes to jail, the Establishment has a lucky break, and poor Henchman 43Q-F7 is dead. There’s no justice in the world – which we already knew, or someone would have figured out how to kill me by now.

Next up, we’ll give the Establishment a chance to gather more data on our machines by targeting their facilities for a good shaking down. The next few hours should be interesting.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just does not realize it yet.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

As you have all noticed, we’re delaying our attack for another week. I have a cold, and I’ll be damned I’m going to get into a fight with every nation in the world and the Establishment while I’m under the weather. Actually, I have it on good authority that I’m already damned, but I still hate fighting when I’m wearing my fuzzy bunny slippers. They’re made from real bunnies, you know.

Did you also know that Dr. Adam Numeral (a.k.a. The Atomic Number) actually invented a cure for the common cold back in the 1950’s? Unfortunately, its creation coincided with the Livid Plague’s manufacture of a virulent, mutation-prone, and deadly super-cold. The Atomic Number managed to dilute Livid’s virus with his cure, but all it did was reduce the severity of the symptoms. Today, the regular cold virus is dead and all the colds people get are actually created by the weakened super-cold bug. If I’m every time traveling to that era, someone remind me to kill the Livid Plague.

We’ll be running with minimum staffing this week to keep the bug from spreading throughout our organization and forcing us to delay the attack another week. Check in with your shift supervisors to determine what your hours are.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – we’re just taking the week off from our duties.

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

I have never liked the MechaMen.

Giant robots have their place in the scheme of things. Certainly, they have been dead useful for keeping the Pacific Ocean’s population of giant monsters under control. The way Japan shattered China’s magical protections during World War Two left the entire Pacific Rim open to the rampaging critters. Certainly the superpowered population held them off for a while, but it was the rise of the giant robot industry that really brought the problem under control.

Still, to an organization like ours, they have a limited utility. Like any large military vehicle, they can be used to invade a country, but they are not terribly subtle. Yes, you could take a city with them, but your only option to deal with a building full of enemy combatants is to crush it. Technefarious is dedicated to as smooth a transition to our rule over the planet as possible. Ultimately, giant robots just are not subtle enough weapons for us.

The MechaMen have never been big on subtle. In the four decades of their existence, they have served as mercenaries for some of the worst tyrants and tryant-wannabees on the planet. They have a leaderboard for how bystanders have been crushed under the giant metal feet of each pilot’s robot. The two times they have managed to carve out their own government, they have ruled every bit as harshly as their usual type of employers.

I’m a villain, but I don’t like these guys. So when it came time to test our new weapon platform, it made sense to me to give our inglorious competition a bad turn.

It works. The earthquake machine we have been building as the centerpiece of Project Jelly Doughnut performed as expected. The Mechamen’s complex consisted of large hangers carved into a mountain. Past tense. It is now an oversized sinkhole. The containment field for the earthquake machine also worked. None of Earth’s the seismographs registered the attack, and the snow on the far side of Mechmen’s mountain did not even avalanche. Our science department reports that the containment field was not as focused as they expected, spreading the event over a wider area than their calculations predicted. They were disappointed, but I’ve done this sort of work to know that the real world factors always require refining the theory. However, large scale testing of the earthquake machine will have to wait until we start the final part of Project Jelly, Operation Flat Pancake.

We lost no one during the operation, but many of the MechaMen’s henchmen and on-base families died. You may want to take a moment to consider that.

Our facilities will be running with minimum staffing this week, although all hands are expected back Saturday to start the final preparations for the launch of Operation Flat Pancake on Monday.

Enjoy this week everyone, because we are going to have a busy next week and we’ll be even busier afterwards if we succeeded. The world is already ours – we’re just going to be bringing its attention to that fact.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

If you are a major evil organization, you probably should not name your legitimate subsidiaries after your core criminal enterprise.

Of course, this is coming from the man behind Cold Slither, so what else should we expect?

Maybe I am wrong, and we should be selling Technefarious brand toasters (For Your Evil Toast Needs) and Microwaves (Superheat Water Molecules Just Like The Bad Guys!).

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – it just doesn’t recognize our branding.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man

From the Desk of the Dictator:

Welcome back from your weekend everyone.

Does it still count as supervillainy if you accidentally save the world? Admittedly, we have saved the Earth before, because part of wanting to conquer the world means keeping anyone else from wrecking it. I delivered the killing blow to the Solar System Sweeper. Green Needle herbicided the Arboreal Flesh. Technefarious as a whole joined the Unholy Assembly and betrayed our fellow villains (some of whom were real jerks) by saving the superheroes (we needed their firepower).

This time we stumbled into it. Saber-Cat stopped by my office let me know he intended to attack a visiting group of aliens. I would like to say he was asking permission, but he actually wanted to use enough Technefarious resources that I would notice if they were missing. So, leaving me behind to mind the store, Saber lead a group consisting of more lieutenants than henchmen to confront the extra-terrestrials on Establishment territory.

On the interstellar level, Earth has the reputation like that of an island full of dangerous primitives: too crude to have anything worth trading and too tough to conquer outright. Nevertheless, the realities of galactic and extra dimensional geography make Earth too convenient a crossroads for us to be avoided entirely. Most aliens try to minimize their exposure, but it is no secret that the U.N. is keenly interested in making peaceful contact. To that end, the U.N. and the Establishment maintain the Extraterrestrial Monitoring Center, both to gather information on the aliens living among us and to try to forge diplomatic ties with the galactic empires that surround us.

It was one of those forging of ties that Saber-Cat wanted to crash. Saber is immortal and older than humankind, and he said that the Turperilliaks coming for a visit were actually the return of a aliens species that had claimed Earth as part of their empire for a couple of centuries before a nasty civil war on their core planets left the outlying Earth to drift back to its independent status. He also claimed that the aliens lead diplomat was Earth’s former governor during that long lost time. Keeping the Establishment from getting easy access to alien technology fits in with Technefarious’s goals, so I approved his requests for the operation and turned him loose.

It turns out that the lead diplomat really was the old governor in charge and that he led a fleet of cloaked spaceships bent on reconquering the Earth. The diplomacy was just a cover to let him scout the planet before trying to take it by force. The Establishment did not appreciate Saber-Cat’s interference but also did not ignore the lack of disclosure about the cloaked fleet when it was revealed. That kicked off a lesson for the Turperilliaks about why the rest of the universe considers us to be a planet full of dangerous primitives.

It took a week a half to drive them off. Not great, but not as bad as the thrity-seven days it took to get rid of the Graxic Empire in the 1980’s. Still, I prefer the invasions we can wrap up in an afternoon when we can get them.

Unfortunately, this sort of fight is rarely without casualties. Technefarious lost seven henchmen when they delivered a bomb to the mothership of the Turperilliak Home Fleet. The attack was part of the final strike on the Turperilliak ships still stationed in their core worlds. It will hopefully convince them to leave us alone in the future. Unfortunately, the distance involved put them far beyond the reach of our soul catchers. We already held their memorial service, but I wanted to commemorate them here as well. Do not forget the sacrifice of Henchmen 42S-9L (Ivan), 58A-4S (Alexandra), 89T-9C (Astra), 04M-3I (Moira), 63R-2E (Dan), 11U-0G (Chad), and 78G-4D (Stephen).

I am running long here, so check the bulletin boards for notes about this week’s activities.

Have a good week everyone. And remember, the world is already ours – we are just sharing it other human governments for a bit.

Your Leader,

Dr. Photius Callaway

The Killing Man